Segment Guide

We have many segments. So many segments that we have trouble keeping them all straight, so we imagine the rest of you must be really fucking confused. Therefore, we present to you, the audience, this handy list:

INTERACTIVE:

HEART COMPLAINER
Are you lovelorn? Lonely? In need of advice? Who better to help you with your romantical troubles than two gay videogame podcasters, one of whom is in a relationship and the other is, quite simply, slutty. But that doesn’t matter! Send away! We’ll answer either on the podcast or on the blog, OUR CHOICE.

NEWS:

KOTAKU STRIKES AGAIN
We don’t hate Kotaku, really. We do, however, find its combination of often-inexperienced writers, apparent lack of editorial focus/control, high static/signal content ratio, and overall annoying page design to be a glorious trainwreck of horror. Since it’s a Gawker site, we feel no remorse in using it as the namesake for our segment Kotaku Strikes Again. The story may be from the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, some kind of English newspaper, or Kotaku itself, but no matter what, we pledge to find the week’s shittiest piece of games journalism and rip it a new one.

OUR ENEMIES LIST
There is a lot to hate in this world, whether it’s from people inside videogame culture who are sending an embarrassing image to the rest of society, outside people who claim to be experts and yet still seem to think videogames revolve around “points”, or even in the world outside of gaming. Come and see who is the recipient of our hatred for this week!

JUST SAY MOLYNEUX
Sometimes, a man is such a yutz, spouting off empty promises, ejaculations of ego, and inanity that he transcends the level of “enemy” and becomes a figure that one can’t quite hate but can’t quite feel sorry for either. Legendary bullshit artist game designer Peter Molyneux is one such man. Let’s see what bizarre crap he’s yammering on about now.

WE LIKE YOU
And sometimes, hatred is an inappropriate response. People can be noble. People can lift their fellow man up. People can be so goddamn decent sometimes that it cracks your heart and makes you cry. People can sometimes be the type of people that their pet rabbit thinks they are. This segment is dedicated to these people.

SURE, LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN
Remember how we were all about some story a few weeks ago, and then it just kind of dropped off the face of the planet? We’re not the type of guys who’ll let sleeping dogs lie. Let’s dust off that old bit of news and see if there are any updates.

SORRY, SONY
Even though Eric is a PS3 fanboy, and even though Richard went out and bought a PSP, we’ve still got some opinions about Sony’s… uh, “interesting” marketing and business practices. Cartridge Blowers pledge this: Whenever Sony issues a press release, we’ll be there. Whenever a new version of the PSP is announced, we’ll be there. Whenever Sony does anything… well, you get the idea.

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT
You know how all the blogs are talking about one thing? One game, one figure, one event? And you know how it’s the least relevant thing ever? How you have no interest in the game, how the figure is a designer who made only one game and it was crappy, how the event was just Miyamoto ordering a larger size coffee in the morning than he usually does because he had a hard time getting to sleep last night for no particular reason, maybe the house was just slightly too hot, or he had a bit of indigestion, or he was thinking hard on a project or Jesus guys leave him the hell alone? You’re in luck. We’ll take the most prevalent irrelevant story and point and laugh, thereby allowing us to get away with covering it as well.

EXCITEMENT ALERT!!!
Previews sections on gaming sites are full of exuberant, ill-informed, and possibly overeager explosions of glee? Give us five minutes to babble on about something we’re looking forward to, and we’ll return to our usual mix of cynicism, we promise.

SUICIDE WATCH
You know how sometimes a game or a news story is such a bad idea that it makes you want to die? We’ll help you along that dark path. (NOTE: Cartridge Blowers does not recommend suicide. Try cigarettes and bourbon instead.)

ANALYSIS PARALYSIS
Analysts are extremely helpful people if you live in a Woody Allen movie. Since this is real life, however, analysts are mildly-skilled people who get paid more than you do to glance at press releases and mumble inaccurate predictions. We work through our jealousy by glancing at press releases and muttering vague insults directed at analysts’ recent pronouncements.

UM, WHAT?
Sometimes game companies release really bizarrely unnecessary games, make incredibly stupid marketing decisions, or just plain give off every indication that they were off their meds that week. This segment is dedicated to those stories that make even Wedbush analysts want to scratch their head with one hand and reach for a strong drink with the other.

LET THERE BE PLUNKETT
The Blowers will admit to an unhealthy obsession with Kotaku writer Luke Plunkett, that 6’4″, 250-pound (all muscle), blond Australian Adonis. In Let There Be Plunkett, we pick one of his stories, just because. (Call us, Luke!)

POUND STERLING
We hate Jim Sterling.